SCARS TO SCORES

The loss of a child is the most devastating experience anyone can go through and missing the child never goes away. A piece of yourself is lost and you become forever changed. The age of the child at the time of death does not lessen the hurt or devastation neither does it make the pain go away.  You can have other children after that but still the one that is gone, can never be replaced.  The void and emptiness can be filled by having other children though not fully because they always exist in your heart.  We women connect with our babies immediately you find out that you are pregnant. Death of a child is the most hardest thing I have personally had to deal with. The pain is something that never leaves you,  it becomes your shadow.  I have just learned how to accommodate it with a smile.  It's a scar that will never be rubbed off but there is a God in heaven that gives me the strength and grace to endure and to keep going.  I dreaded the morning I woke up almost three years ago and realized my baby's movements were absent.  I sensed something was not right because I had woken up at 3AM for prayer,  but I was feeling sad. I cried but couldn't explain to anyone why I was crying at 3AM!!!. Initially I assumed I was just being emotional, it comes with the territory but for some reason the feeling was sinking my heart. After taking breakfast I realized my baby hadn't kicked as usual so I decided to leave for hospital for an Ultrasound check. During the ultrasound check,  I could see my baby just sleeping.  I tried singing to wake him up but nothing happened. At first, I laughed after the doctor told me that my baby had died. I thought she was joking and it immediately hit me so hard like It was a bad dream. I looked at the ultrasound pictures over and over but I couldn't believe that my baby was gone.  It didn't feel real.  How can someone that I have fought so hard for to stay and be alive,  die? I did all a mother could have done to help my baby fight. To date I really can't explain the pain I instantly felt when those words came out of my doctor's mouth.  It was as if someone put a knife through my heart. It was a piercing pain but the most dreadful experience was going into labour for so many hours and not being able to hold my child. I wouldn't go home with my baby after that. I wouldn't breast feed nor put my baby to sleep.  It was painful,  really really painful. I didn't want to think for a moment that I was going back to an empty home. Letting go of my child and starting over was hard. Tears flowed freely. 

Dead, but walking, is one way to describe the pain anyway. I felt numb for days. I couldn't talk, all I did was cry.  Perhaps the worst part is that you remember when you actually felt something and the contrast between then and now makes the pain worse. So many things about your life become difficult right away. Things you used to take for granted (a good night's sleep, having goals, looking forward to the future) now seem beyond your reach. Relationships are also affected during moments like this. Sometimes I would question God, I would ask him why?.
Although it has always been a human problem, no one really knows why. But what Christians do know is that God is not silent when we suffer. We are able to find hope and a reason to endure. For example, take 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. So we do not lose heart. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
Come to God with your suffering. You can start to experience the inward renewal that the apostle Paul experienced when you come to God with your suffering. God seems far away when we suffer. You believe that He exists, but it seems as if He is too busy with everything else, or He just doesn't care. God is powerful enough to end your suffering, but He hasn't. Let go and let God.  God hasn't promised to explain everything about what He does and what He allows. Instead, He encourages us to start with Jesus. Jesus is God the Son, and He is certainly loved by his heavenly Father. Jesus also went through more suffering than anyone who ever lived. Here we see that love and suffering can co-exist. When you start reading the Bible and encounter people like Job, Jeremiah, and Paul, you get a sense that suffering is actually the well-worn path for God's favorites. This doesn't answer the question, Why are you doing this to me God? But it cushions the blow when you know that God understands. You aren't alone. If we know anything about God, we know that He comes close to those who suffer , so keep your eyes open for Him. A day doesn't go by without me missing my child nor thinking about them but I know the feeling of trusting God with all my heart no matter how hard it may be.  Trust Him!!

Shalom...